Job Posting: Pastor (women, the educated, and people who follow Jesus need not apply)

Matthew Paul Turner posted something both hilarious and terrifying at the same time. This job description for a pastor of a home church (consisting of 6 members) from Pennsylvania is absolutely unbelievable in so many respects. Turner provides some funny insights, but I thought I’d add my own. (My comments are in parentheses and bold font).

Pastor, Coal Township, PA

Please make sure you read all of the information thoroughly before contacting us. This is where we stand. We are not here to debate and argue. If you meet these qualifications feel free to contact us. If you fail to meet these qualifications please do not waste our time (now that’s grace!).

We are currently looking for a Pastor for our church in Coal Township, PA. Currently we hold services once a week at my home with our 6 members (you want to hire a pastor for your small group?) with me teaching due to the lack of a Biblically based church in our area (if you’re teaching and are clearly so much more biblically literate than everyone else in your area, why are you looking for a pastor?). We are looking for a Pastor who is BIBLICALLY QUALIFIED and KING JAMES ONLY (because God speaks Elizabethan, of course)! We also need a Pastor who is constantly reading and studying God’s word.

The Biblical qualifications of a Pastor are

Titus 1:6 If any be blameless, the husband of one wife, having faithful children not accused of riot or unruly.
7 For a bishop must be blameless, as the steward of God; not selfwilled, not soon angry, not given to wine, no striker, not given to filthy lucre;
8 But a lover of hospitality, a lover of good men, sober, just, holy, temperate;
9 Holding fast the faithful word as he hath been taught, that he may be able by sound doctrine both to exhort and to convince the gainsayers.

1Timothy 3:2 A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach;
3 Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous;
4 One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity;
5 (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)
6 Not a novice, lest being lifted up with pride he fall into the condemnation of the devil.
7 Moreover he must have a good report of them which are without; lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil. (ok, fair request that your pastor be of godly character; I’ll give you credit for insisting on that)

In the qualifications for a Pastor it says he must be the husband of one wife (so no bachelors? What of 1 Cor. 7:8? Paul & Jesus are hereby declared to be unqualified to lead our church!). We believe that divorce is biblically unacceptable (wow this is earth shattering!). We believe in biblical words such as Pastor, Bishop, Deacon etc. We Reject titles such as Reverend, Doctor (an academic title, based on achieved level of education- not a functional title of the church), Minister, and Scholar (who uses this title? “Hi, I’m Scholar Graham Ware”). Reverend is used once in the bible and it is referring to God so unless you’re God… Simply put don’t give yourself a stupid name and we won’t call you by it (I’ve got a name for you…). We also believe the Pastor MUST currently be raising or have raised Godly children (ok, so bachelors are out, and so are husbands without kids. And I’ve heard of children inheriting parents sin, but parents inheriting their kids’ sins?). We currently have our service on Sunday 1-2:30pm, and then after we go Soul winning (can’t use “reverend” because it isn’t biblical, but soul winning is?). We believe door to door Soul winning is VERY IMPORTANT (and so very effective, clearly, as you have managed to build a church of… 6?) as a church, and that it must be done on a regular basis. And finally (finally? this isn’t even the half way point) we believe that salvation is through faith and faith ALONE (so you reject grace?)! We do not believe in repentance of sins to be saved (???), or to be a good person, or to go to church (Ok, this is just grammatically offensive).
The only repentance (Change) that has to be made is where your faith is (huh?). Repentance is not a guilty feeling it is just a change (so if I “change” from an adulterer to a rapist, I’ve repented?). We believe that the Holy Spirit DOES NOT Convict you of sins! It is NO WHERE in the bible unless you are reading an NIV (or the original Greek). Salvation is not about emotion; it is about your FAITH (it’s in capitals, so it must be RIGHT). We also believe once you are saved you are saved FOREVER! (If you aren’t convinced by capitals, an exclamation point is IRON CLAD!)
1John 5:13 These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal life, and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God. (how does that prove your point? If you’re going to argue salvation is forever, use Eph. 1:13-14)

On the back of our Soul Winning Pamphlet we put what we believe:
We believe the King James bible is thee word of God in English. Modern “Translations” (“Translations”?) remove verses, words, and change the meaning of Gods word (and the KJV doesn’t?).
We believe the entire bible from cover to cover including the Old Testament. There has been a change in some of the laws such as the Sabbath, the Passover, and a doing away of the Cardinal and fleshly ordinances including meats and drinks. However Gods (you know what I like? Apostrophes) laws of right and wrong still apply(shouldn’t there be a sentence break or conjuction here?) therefore murderers, adulterers, kidnappers, sodomites, etc. deserve the death penalty according to God’s word (isn’t it nice when you get to choose which OT laws to get rid of and which to keep? We don’t have to be kosher, but we still get to kill the gays). We believe in Door to Door Soul winning as thee only biblical method to reach the lost (where is that verse?). Tracts (uhm… a) the gospels are basically tracts folks and b) what is the difference between a tract and a “soul winning pamphlet” you noted above?), Street Preaching, and Life Style Evangelism are all unscriptural (wait, isn’t the very first evangelism of the church street preaching? And then of course there’s Matthew 5:14-16 and 1 Peter 2:12) and will never work (and clearly your door to door campaign is bearing real fruit).
We believe in the local church as an independent congregation separate from all religious organizations and governmental rules and regulations.
We believe in separation from both the world and any one who teaches or believes false doctrine. This includes dress, music, speech, etc. (doctrine of music?)
We reject the false teaching of the pre-tribulation Rapture. We believe that Gods people always have and always will go through tribulation. The Great tribulation is not God pouring out his wrath (huh?).
We Reject ALL forms of Dispensationalism.
We believe that everyone is created equal and that there is no difference between Jew or Gentile, black or white (exception being men and women, of course?)!
We stand firm on God’s word and God’s (hey, you found the apostrophe key!) word only as our final authority in life.

We believe that God put in his word everything we needed to know, and he didn’t write a sequel. We are 100% King James ONLY! We do not consult the History books to see if Man is smarter than God (who does that?).
In addition to this we believe in a single church. No Sunday schools, Nurseries, Youth Groups etc. We also believe Bible colleges, Christian Schools, etc are biblically incorrect. You DO NOT have to be ordained by a bible college (what bible college ordains?) to be a Pastor considering it is NO WHERE in the qualifications! Also we believe that the church should not be selling ANYTHING and that includes an Education. Why would it be okay to charge for a “Bible Education” However it is not ok to charge for a church service? Why do you think Jesus threw tables in the temple? TWICE!!!!! (that’s why we have sunday school and bible colleges- so we can understand that it didn’t actually happen twice!)
We believe the women are to have NO PART in the Teaching at church! A woman is to keep SILENT during the Teaching and Preaching (shouldn’t everyone who isn’t teaching be silent? That’s just good manners). This DOES NOT forbid a woman from singing (how generous of you). Women can and should be preaching the Gospel through soul winning, and any chance she can get (so she can preach the gospel on someone’s doorstep, but not in the church? She’s good enough for the heathen, but not for us!). She is only forbidden from doing so during church!
1Timothy 2:11 Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection.
1Corinthians 14:34 Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law.
35 And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.
Revelation 2:20 Notwithstanding I have a few things against thee, because thou sufferest that woman Jezebel, which calleth herself a prophetess, to teach and to seduce my servants to commit fornication, and to eat things sacrificed unto idols (what does this have to do with the point you’re making? Again, this is why biblical training matters).
We also believe in a literal six days of creation.
We reject all forms of theistic evolution, gap theory, day age theory etc. SIX DAYS MEANS SIX DAYS! (Jesus said “this is my body”- so you believe in transubstantiation?)
We also believe the King James is the inspired word of God in English! We do not believe in going back to the Greek, Hebrew, Chaldean, Sand Script (wtf is Sand Script?), Native American, Cave paintings, or Finger Paintings by children to “interpret” Gods word. God can speak English just fine and since he promised to preserve his word there is no need to go outside the English language to find it (yeah, why read it the way it was written, when we can read the English translation of the Latin version. Third hand is better than first of course!).

Once again Do not contact us if you are not interested in the position (Because you’re going to be flooded with serious candidates?). If you’re looking for an argument find a tree and maybe you’ll win (huh?)!

(…so no mention of Jesus anywhere? I mean, it’s reasonable to assume Jesus is important, but really? You’re so concerned about being “biblical” but Jesus shows up nowhere? Clearly, the bible has become your idol.).

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